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Joseph McCarthy
Senator Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin was the most righteous, All-American man in the United States during the early 1950s. McCarthy is famous for saving the world from communists via the doctrine of truthiness; he knew in his gut that everyone he accused was a communist, and didn't need any pesky facts to ruin thousands of lives in the name of democracy. Early Life McCarthy was born on November 14, 1908. While he was young he had a terrible optical condition; as a result, he could only see the color red. Red Hunts By 1951, McCarthy decided that, with his newfound power, he could finally accomplish his goal of ridding the United States of all reds by systematically destroying all communists residing within the United States. McCarthy became one of the most powerful Republicans of all time, meaning that the world was at last in the right hands. The Lists McCarthy would frequently wave lists that had names of communists scrawled on them. McCarthy never allowed anyone to touch his lists, saying: No one ever found any of these lists, nor were any of the names on the lists ever verified to be names, nor was McCarthy ever sober. However, most important is the fact that McCarthy had A LOT of communist hos. We are talking more than Tiger Woods here. What a BAMF. The Public Hearings The communists would walk into a small room — only to be met by McCarthy and his fellow Republican friends. They would then blacklist the communists if they didn't give them the names of their friends. McCarthy would then call in all of the friends and get their friends. Little did McCarthy know that he was creating the same system that would one day begin MySpace. Much like his close friends J. Edgar Hoover and Roy Cohn, he was posthumously accused of being gay by the liberal media as retribution for his hard work in saving America from red ruin. He has also been accused of bullying innocent witnesses, such as Annie Lee Moss, who he got confused with another woman of the same name who was, in fact, a Communist. We know she was nonetheless guilty, however; if she wasn't a commie, what was she doing using a commie's name, hmm? Politicians' Responses to McCarthy's Actions All politicians were afraid of McCarthy. No one could touch him because he could just call them a communist and then they would not be reelected. That is, until that smear merchant Edward R. Murrow (a known George Clooney associate) tricked the American people into believing poor Joe was corrupt simply because he liked the occasional taxpayer-funded camping tript with Cohn and fellow camping enthusiast G. David Schine. Fortunately for us, respected contemporary historians such as Ann Coulter and Jonah Goldberg have dedicated their lives to improving their book sales the historical record by redeeming McCarthy's name; they know in their gut that everyone McCarthy accused was guilty, or at least looked like they could have been guilty, which is all the proof a court should ever need. External tubes * Remembering Hollywood Reds *Ghost of McCarthy proud